Rant #1 - The Sheer Uselessness of Jealousy and Envy

I'm not entirely sure where jealousy and envy come from in the human condition.  Everyone knows how ugly these supposed 'emotions' are but I'm more inclined to believe that jealousy and envy are split second reactions as opposed emotions.  Reason being, there are biological scientific arguments as to the reasons we feel anger, love, fear, comfort, and anxiety.  But jealousy and envy make no sense because neither of these reactions do anything to sustain us as human organisms.  Jealousy and envy are those raw cantankerous empty blips crossing my heart and mind when I see someone that supposedly has more than me or that person or persons experiencing a level of success that I've desired over the years.  What's even more mysterious and downright annoying is when those folks whom I'm jealous of sometimes have this tendency to rub my face in it gloating over their victories with the firm belief that their buckets can't be filled unless somebody else's bucket is emptied.

So what can I do to avoid these split second reactions?  I'm not sure if there is a way to successfully combat the exact second that I feel jealous or envious, but as the reaction attempts to emerge as something paramount and all encompassing in my daily routines and highs and lows, the best thing to do is look at the hard facts objectively with as little bias as possible in the hope of reaching a point where I'm counting my blessings as opposed to going over the same 'why' questions that orbit jealousy and envy.  Important to note as well that to put myself in a frame of mind where I feel I'm doing 'better' than the supposed subject of my jealousy and envy is the same thing as filling my bucket with their losses or shortcomings which paradoxically brings me back to the beginning of the jealousy and envy in the first place.

Usually if I'm feeling jealousy or envy it's because I'm misinformed about something or perhaps the person or persons I'm having these reactions to have actually harmed me in some way that has nothing to do with my jealousy reactions.  At any rate, my best and only solution to it is to hunker down and get to my own work in my own time and to fight for my own causes as opposed to being 'better' than anyone else simply to subdue the jealousy and envy.

Perhaps ignorance gave birth to jealousy and envy or at least they are kissing cousins.  They must be.  Because after a bit of research and work on myself or whatever it is I'm into at the moment I find that I don't have the time nor the resources to feel jealousy or envy.

As for the exact person or persons I'm talking about, I will only say that its coming up from my distant past and old resentments built around a memory of being treated unfairly and watching these same people thrive in their environment.  As I looked at the whole picture logically, I realized that I am thriving in my own environment and that I would rather die a slow painful pointless death than to trade places with these folks.  Truth of it is, if I were to approach these people they wouldn't know what the hell I was talking about anyway.  It was me who had the resentment, not them.  

So onward and forward.  I'm usually poetic and musical in my blog postings but will have rants like this one to help me figure my shit out and keep me on the right path.  And the only 'right' path for me is MY path and no one else's.  While it might not seem like a big deal to anyone reading this blog, it took me 43 years of hard living and poor choices to learn this simple lesson.

Better late then never.  Meanwhile jealousy and envy can go camp out and stay warm in someone else's psyche.  I have no room for them.

- - - - - - - - - - -        

Songs From a Couch - Vacilando" by The Love Technicians

Ashley

Strange wind and

flags clanging flag poles,

idle gossip of snow

drifting down

out of clouds into pin drop

silence.

Last year I recall Ashley walking

through sugar white snow, her

black coat and wind blown

tangle hair like a dream.

This morning she carved our names

in a table on the back porch

as the flagpoles clanged

and traffic yawned out in

distant coils of wire

and radio tower signals.

- - - - - - - - -

(January ?, 2012)

Magic

I’d choose a number from a dying

felt hat and wander the lonesome

       earth to find you.

There is magic in you - you take

         my breath

         away.

- - - - - - - - - -

(December 28th, 2011)

Out Here It's Long

Rusted dawn sun up week

day rush day run

day traffic. These 70's

clinical buildings, glass

swinging doors and long

time backseat soul young

boy floating past Runzas and

fast-food, holy Catholic

processing. Hefty garbage

bags and what day is

garbage day anyway?

Long shadows, drifting

drooping cigarette ash.

Soft drift of flakes

of ash, tiny backyard,

traffic hiss / roar out

             front.

Drift along, spit in the dust.

We’re riding the maelstrom.

All is quiet on the morning

deck of the world and

we've a long way to

             go.

- - - - - - - - -

(March 26th, 2012)

'Daddy Can't Eat' - sneak peak of Whore Bomb - The Doneofits

what had happened (kitchen bootleg) - the Doneofits

'Transmission' -sneak peak of Whore Bomb -The Doneofits

Mother Song (early mix) - The Doneofits

The Doneofits - When Did You Stop Loving Me (rough mix)

The Doneofits - Alien Invasion (rough mix)

Spring Move

Up in gray mid-morning waiting for

a truck to arrive, keep moving the

clothes, the dishes, all the furniture

that make up a persons life, in this

case two people and four children.

We set up our mattress on the

living room floor, terrible night’s

sleep and throbbing back ache, not

much by way of relief and wind picks

up outside for a giant trash/leaf

turn around, delivery of random

swirls of wind from God-knows-where.

Spring has sprung its warm

coils out earlier this year

than in years previous, billions of

wiry floating birds oil out the

branches in songs and screeches

and secret melodies.

Time to get moving.

- - - - - - - -

(March 20th, 2012)

Parking Lot

In a warm car Ace Hardware parking lot

90th and Maple while above us pure

sky, wind torn clouds set off to

horizons and occasionally sweep over

the sun and form a play of giant

shadows across whole swaths

                of ground.

Rollling up-down hills of Maple street

also Blondo a few blocks north,

major arteries of unwholesome

semi-woesome Omaha with its

blinking radio towers and smoking

                  factories.

American National Bank, cell-phone

gas station outlets with hard liquor

behind the counter waiting placidly

in bottles to fire up the guts more than likely

eyeblink black out terrors, no

moderation for so many.

Aaron’s furniture, electronics, computers,

appliances, a thousand different ways

                     to be completely

                     forgotten.

- - - - - - - - -

(March 3rd, 2012)

nothing to fear but fear - brian jonestown massacre (demo)

What Makes a Great Horror Movie? (a tiny wee essay when I could write a book on the subject)

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Ashley

Strange wind and

flags clanging flag poles,

idle gossip of snow

drifting down

out of clouds into pin drop

silence.

Last year I recall Ashley walking

through sugar white snow, her

black coat and wind blown

tangle hair like a dream.

This morning she carved our names

in a table on the back porch

as the flagpoles clanged

and traffic yawned out in

distant coils of wire

and radio tower signals..

- - - - - - - - -

(January ?, 2012)

Apocalypse

These are sorted indistinguishable

                times

reported of by shades of millennialist

                   lore

and hearkened about from church

pulpits by literalists and mad fanatics.

I’ve seen death when it is kind

and when it is untimely and

            cruel.

Wheels of existence churn, gnash, roar

down here in world view,

              not sky and/or

                    sea view

                    but

lone gravity on chiseled out highways,

and further on in here,

Omaha city streets in mindful

bits of sometime-cold.

Warm winter this year.

   to be driving away into

              forever.

- - - - - - - -

(February 17th, 2012)

Magic

Tangled black hair in heap mess -

    used to run my fingers through that

black mass of hair -

    occasionally loosen the knots

    of your tension,

                smooth.

These days I’d do it more than

               occasionally.

I’d be the lust under your blankets

twist turn of fleshy shadows.

I’d be the daily reminder of all I

find beautiful in you.

I’d choose a number from a dying

felt hat and wander the lonesome

       earth to find you.

Magic in you.

please,

I can’t take it.

You take my breath away

- - - - - - - - - -

(December 28th, 2011)

Explosions in the sky - First breath after coma

Entanglements

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